9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
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me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.