Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
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The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Candles never taste the way they smell
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.