Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
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My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
felt that
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.