So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
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News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”