When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
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Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.