I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
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if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.