My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
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“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
can’t talk my ride’s here
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫