I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
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Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo