I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
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HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.