a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
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Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*