Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
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I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.