Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
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I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…