He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
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It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Why font matters.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
🙀🙀🙀😹
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”