I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
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Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
the clam before the storm
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Straight people are cancelled
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Meow
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other