am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
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*feels the wind in my toe hair
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once