Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
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My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Ok but actually
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”