My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
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Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!