when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
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You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
classic mixup
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
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