*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
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Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
consequences, the bane of my existence
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.