I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
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i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants