What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
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Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!