Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
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In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is