It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
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I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora