[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
You Might Also Like
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.