My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
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Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
HELP 😭
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]