NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
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*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.