Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
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I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
PLOT TWIST:
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own