Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
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Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Heroic Misunderstanding
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive