I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
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Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Anyone want a chair?
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library