Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
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I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
(more comics:
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?