“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
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Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
lmfao come on
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
The prophecy is fulfilled
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool