Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
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day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool