I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
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*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.