imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
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Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it