Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
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My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.