I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
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[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.