Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
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*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Very good news from my accountant
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
This is a true ally.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here