ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
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Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!