My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
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Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
me after drinking all the wine:
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
#catsoftwitter
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.