[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
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The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
How about daylight saves us for once
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Lmfaoooooo
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
love pickles so much i put myself in one