Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
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My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.