Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
You Might Also Like
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
This is my bus stop.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
🙁