HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
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Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.