Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
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I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?