I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
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Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors