Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
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I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee