you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
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5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”