How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
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Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
This made me smile…
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in