girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
You Might Also Like
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
this FaceApp is creepy af
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
first you must answer his riddles
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry