2022 be like
You Might Also Like
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”